It’s been 3 sleeps since I walked the Fire, and yet she is still with me.  I realize that my post about Firewalking was about just that, Firewalking.  It wasn’t about how it has touched my life or the way I felt that night as I slept or how I felt the next day.

Wytomi told me that my body would be doing crazy things.  I couldn’t imagine what he must have been talking about.  He told me that I would have some huge awakenings, so I have waited in anticipation.  What exactly am I suppose to be expecting anyway???  Lightning bolts from the sky????  I haven’t experienced anything like that, so I find myself asking, “What did or am I doing wrong?”   The answer is “Nothing!”  Everything is perfect.  I have experienced a few things and I will share them with you.

That night as I drove home from our IHOP dinner, my toes were burning.  I swear I wanted to rip off my shoes and socks!  I felt like they were on fire.  Wytomi told us we would or might feel “hot spots” on our feet, but we were not to think about our feet and look for blisters.  Because if you look for blisters and expect blisters, you will certainly have them.  And who really WANTS blisters (except for those who were expecting them and  looking for them)?  So okay, my feet felt like they were on fire.  It felt like the flesh was being burned off of my bones!  Outside I was smiling and laughing.  Inside  my heart was soaring.  But my brain..that darned brain of mine..it was screaming, “What the heck did you do?????  The flesh on our feet have fallen off and our feet are raw and you put wool socks and snow boots on them!  Get them off!!!!”   I told my brain that our feet would just have to deal with it until we got home…in the mean time, SMILE and FEEL!  So that is what I did.  I continued to smile and feel everything that I was feeling..the elation of a free heart and the pain of “hot spots” on my feet.  It was kind of like the sweet and sour of Firewalking.

I came home from the Firewalk still unable to vocalize to my hubby what I had been through.  He had done several Firewalks before; he understood.  Yet, I still couldn’t find the words.  I washed off the face paint that was refusing to come off.  My husband said, “Maybe you were suppose to keep it on.”  I told him I was not going to get face paint on the pillow.  I would however refrain from washing my sooty feet.  Between the sheets I climbed.  I was freezing.  The Fire was still inside me and coming off of that high, makes you cold.  I was shivering, but I felt a burning in my stomach.  No it wasn’t heart burn.  This was different.  This was literally a FIRE in my belly.  I could feel its Flames licking my insides.  I could feel it spinning around like a pin wheel.   Then I felt Fire burning in my throat.  Again, it was not the burning you feel from acid reflux.  This was a FIRE in my throat.  Interestingly, enough, my feet were quiet now!  *laugh*  The Fire, She was inside me!

I remembered standing beside the Fire getting ready for the walk.  I had invited her In..to fill the void that urges me to eat compulsively.  I invited Her in to heal that hole.  And there she was, burning away inside my belly…burning away inside my throat.  I had set the intention and purpose to transform myself so that I may be able to help others transform.  Transformation.  Purpose.  Passion.   These all come from a place of power.  Following our goals takes power.  And this Fire that was burning in my belly was in the Solar Plexus Chakra, the 3rd chakra.  This chakra deals with digestion; when we harness the power of this chakra we have the strength to conquer our dreams!  It was also burning in my throat chakra, the place where metabolism is controlled.  It is also the chakra from which we speak our truth.  How will I help people transform, through speaking.  Yes indeed, I had invited the Fire within, and there She was in the 2 places I needed her the most.  I got exactly what I had asked for!  And even today as I write this, I feel Her burning in my throat.

I had finally fallen asleep.  My dreams were scattered.  We were told to pay attention to them.  But they were so scattered.  I found myself waking up constantly through the night.  Every time I woke up, I found myself singing a song of praise and gratitude.  Literally.  I was singing in my head.  I sang all night long!

Saturday, I did my best to pay attention.  I tried my best to listen.  I even went to lay down in  my bedroom to take a nap ( instead of laying on the couch to do it). I wanted to make sure that my brain didn’t have the TV in the background to interfere with my dream time.  But that night, I told my hubby that I just didn’t feel anything.  What was I suppose to be feeling?

I woke up Sunday morning after having a “nightmare”.  It wasn’t a scary thing; it was just sad.  It was about a previous relationship that had ended.  As I type this, maybe this wasn’t about THAT relationship, but rather a relationship with MYSELF that had ended that night while I walked the fire.  I’m done stalking myself.  I’m done with the false sense of control that compulsive eating gives me.  I am welcoming the softer side of me; the side that wants to FEEL.  Yes, that is what it is.  Again, I am crying.

We went to church Sunday.  It was Palm Sunday..the beginning of “Holy Week”.  We talked about Judas’ betrayal.  Jesus never blamed Judas for his betrayal; he knew it would happen.  It was what it was.  That is all.  Jesus knew that Judas had his own path to walk, and Jesus had his.  It’s just that simple.  “There is no betrayal, only the divine nudge to set us on our own path.”   What strikes me is that Jesus didn’t blame Judas…see if you can follow me on this one.  If every person in our lives is just a reflection of ourselves; is it possible that Judas was a reflection of Jesus and vice versa.  Judas betrayed Jesus (the symbol of what is good and right within Judas).  So..bringing when I put this story to my own life, I see where I have betrayed myself…in my eating..in different areas of my life.  But I focus on eating alot.  When I betray myself I judge myself  harshly.  But Jesus didn’t judge Judas, did he?  Nope.  As a matter of fact, he loved him.  I forget to love myself.  I should remember.  I should not blame myself.  There is no betrayal, only the divine nudge to get right back on that path of what is good and right and true in my life.  Wow.  Okay…….. more awakenings.

I was *GOING* to say, that maybe not feeling or seeing these huge awakenings was just par for my own course.  I have seen so many congruences in my path.  I have started this 52 books in 52 weeks journey on my own.  It has turned into my own private little version of a retreat I would have paid James Arthur Ray THOUSANDS of dollars to lead.  Instead, I am reading and learning on my own.  The Firewalking and the Sweatlodges that I would have done with James, are being brought to me here locally without the thousands of dollars being spent.  And EVERYTHING I am doing and reading relates to everything else.  It is perfect.  So I was thinking that maybe not having these huge awakenings is because I am constantly growing and awakening, and the Firewalk was just that, a Firewalk..a chance for me to face my fears and also realize that I am the only one who is going to cut my way through this life…that it is up to me.  This 52 in 52 is on my own..my own doing, right?  Yet, as I write this, I have found that this Firewalk, when I open up to the messages, has really sent me some awakenings.  I just needed to sit down and “write” it out.

So last night, I dreamed again.  I can’t remember what they were about now…..oh..I was in a mall shopping looking for spiritual talisman or some sort.  There were people waiting to get into this store in the mall; they were the chair people of this community.  They were waiting to go in the store called the “Board Room” a “front” for their meeting area.  This store sold things made out of wood.  It was a bit weird.  But they were going in to get some vital information.. a naming ceremony of sorts.  All the other stores in the mall were closed still.  It was too early.  Yet the mall was packed with police officers.  Something huge was going on.  I remembered that as I walked into the mall, I saw a child with a very bruised face (had been battered) talking with the police officers outside.  A little ways away, was an adult male sitting on the ground with officers hovering over him.  I thought it was odd, but I just kept walking.  Then all of those officers were in the mall, looking for something.  I had no idea.  As I walked back out to my car, I was pushing a stroller.  Where had this stroller come from, I have no idea.  There was no baby in it.  I thought I was pushing it to carry my bags (like a shopping cart), but I didn’t buy anything, so it was empty.  I was pushing it out to my truck, and every time I walked by an officer, he would stop me and look in my stroller.  They thought I had taken some baby.  They were looking for a baby, and I didn’t have it.  Each and every time I passed an officer, they stopped me and interrogated me.  “Where is the baby?” they would ask.  “I don’t know.  I  never had a baby.  I was using this as a shopping cart.” I would reply.  Finally, I got to my truck.  I put the stroller in the back of the truck, but I couldn’t get into my car.  Cars were double parked on both sides of my truck, and I couldn’t open the doors wide enough to get in.  I was frustrated.  The officers were still looking at me like I was suspicious.  I just wanted to leave.  I was confused.  I was frustrated.  I couldn’t find what I had been looking for in the store.  I kept seeing visions of this battered little boy and the look on the adult male’s face.  The weird “chair people” meeting..everyone dressed in the same colorless beige clothing.  Finally, I realized I could get into my truck by crawling through the back.  It would be difficult and uncomfortable, but I could do it.  I could reach my goal of sitting in  my truck and driving away from this scene of confusion and suspicion.  I knew I was innocent.  It was okay to walk around with an empty stroller.  I didn’t HAVE to have a baby in the stroller.  I didn’t HAVE to buy something to put into that stroller.  It was okay to have a “void” inside of place that was suppose to carry something. I didn’t have to buy something just to fill that void.  I could have bought a fake baby to put into that stroller. I could have bought something from that wood store, but I didn’t want to.  I even found a friend of mine in that mall who had been selling something weird, but I didn’t want to buy from him either.  I didn’t want to buy just anything, and it was okay to walk away empty handed.

Wow..okay.  When I woke up I just thought my dream was weird, but as I typed it out just then, I realized what this was all about.  Walking into the mall, I walked past a hurt child..I walked past myself.  I went searching for something spiritual..something physical.  I had this stroller it was empty waiting to be filled.  That is this hole inside me when I am bored, lonely, depressed, angry..that which I fill with food instead of letting it be and feeling.  Walking through the mall and not buying things..walking by those people going into that meeting to “name” something….they were going to “name” my emotions…to allow me to feel.  They were all the parts of me waiting to be addressed.  I was the Chairman of the board…they were my emotions..having never been named or given the color of life.  I walked out with this empty stroller and those officers were all the judgements I use against myself..I was Judas AND Jesus…and they were there to judge me along my path.  I didn’t let them get to me.  I stayed on my path.  I got to my car, and found more obstacles getting in the way of my goal; yet I allowed myself to find a way; it was going to be hard.  It would have been easier to just take the stroller and go back to the mall and shop and fill that carriage with whatever the officers said I needed.  I could have “bolted” but I stayed, and I listened and I found a way to make it through…with the stroller tucked safely away.

Wowzers!

Okay..so who wants to do another Firewalk with me?

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